Have you read the horrifying literature on beef? Are you haunted by zombie chickens crippled by their weight, oceans with so much lead and plastic that fish are chemically enhanced, pesticides and hormones in your every meal, or rainforests replaced by cattle feed crop fields? And speaking of greens, do you try to eat as many fresh vegetables as you can, but find yourself obsessed by the pedigree? Organic? On the stem? Packaged or unpackaged? Are your grapes from Chile? Is your coffee free trade? Is it union labor? Are bananas good for you? Sourdough? Tap water?
Most importantly are you vegan, vegetarian, pollotarian, pescetarian, omnivore, or heaven forbid, a carnivore? Unlike other dietary problems, there’s a responsible way to solve this puzzle. It’s called The Carnivore’s License. Simply put, you have to be able to kill what you eat. It goes like this:
At the age of 18, if you intend to eat meat in the State of California, you’ll be required to apply for a Carnivore’s License. There are 18 license levels. There may be 19. The jury is out on whether to include insects. Eating meat without a license will be a violation of California State Law. The license is earned by killing whatever animal you want to eat.
So, let’s say you turn 18 and you want to eat chicken. You go down to the California Department of Carnivores, fill out the proper forms, pay the $150 fee, and after a two-week review period, if you have a clean record, the department will schedule a date for your first state-sanctioned killing. On that day, you show up at the California Department of Carnivores and wait in line. When it’s your turn, you enter the killing room. There’s a California State Department of Carnivore License Examiner, a knife, a blood trough, and a chicken. You’re given a simple test. It goes like this:
1. Hold the chicken’s feet.
2. Pull down on the neck, and swiftly bend it upwards until you feel the neck snap. (After the snap, the chicken’s wings will start to flap reflexively. You may choose to let it run around in the killing room until it’s officially dead.)
3. Without cutting through the back of its neck, use the knife provided to cut the chicken’s jugular. Then, hang the chicken neck-down over the blood trough and let it drain.
The grading is similiar to a driver’s license test. You might make a mess of things, but as long you’ve rendered the animal dead by using the knife (and/or your bare hands) you’ll receive a California Department of Carnivores Chicken Eaters License with photo ID in the mail within a month. A temporary license will be issued on the spot. Your Chicken Eaters license is good for 4 years. Provided you haven’t committed a carnivore violation (i.e. unlicensed eating of beef, or lamb, or quarry) you can apply for a renewal.
If you purchase chicken meat at a grocery store or eatery, you will be required to present your Chicken Eaters license. Any other meat you eat will require you to pass the California Department of Carnivores test for that particular animal. As you can imagine, obtaining a snail or an escargot or sardine-eating license is relatively easy. A cow-eater’s license, however, takes a bit more dedication.
Of course, there will be violations. But the revenue from fines will not only help finance operations at the California Department of Carnivores, but ten percent of the penalty income flow will go to the California Department of Vegetable Promotion.
Once this system has been established, all California’s carnivores will, at last, be conscientious meat eaters. Just remember: Eat responsibly… and happy killing.
